Uncensored Me

How do you tell your boyfriend that you want him to be in control more without offending him?

I’m such an assertive person by nature, but all I really want is someone that will take charge - plan romantic weekends, wake up first and kiss me awake in the morning, lean over and kiss me randomly when we’re together, make the first move before we have sex, pin me against the wall while he’s fucking me, etc etc.

I’ve always been like this; I’m not sure why. The feeling of being vulnerable, and being taken care of, turns me on. I’m not talking about just sexual arousal, but also it makes me feel safe. It makes me feel like the man I’m with will take care of me when times get tough. I don’t want to be the one in the relationship that plans everything, that makes the first move, that’s always in charge.

Sometimes I just want to be a girl.

This is the happiest I’ve been in my life, but also the unhappiest.

On one hand I have an incredible boyfriend, a job, a place to live, and I’m furthering my education so that (someday) I’ll be rich.

On the other hand, there aren’t enough hours in the day, the classes I’m taking are useless, I hate the college system, I have to move, and I’m poor.

I also feel like I don’t have anyone to talk to. My incredible boyfriend has heard me whine, bitch, and moan about everything under the sun. I’m at a weird point in regards to friends right now. My friends that I left in Florida (including my best friend who is the only person that I think understands me 110% of the time) haven’t been kept up to date with the recent goings-on in my life. That’s my fault. Maybe I should call/text/email. :\ I don’t feel like my new friends in SF know me well enough, or know enough about my history or my goals to give advice about what I should do with the problems I’m having. I feel so conflicted about everything right now.

I always feel like I’m burdening someone with my problems, or at the very least, talking their ear off about something they don’t give two shits about. I also feel like I’m being too clingy to my boyfriend. He’s so amazing, and so understanding, but I feel like sometimes I’m too much. Like I need to not say anything about how I’m feeling sometimes. What do people even do? Who does everyone else talk to? I feel like I can talk and discuss my feelings and my problems for days.

Maybe I’m just homesick. I feel like I’m missing something. And the only thing I want to do is be with the one person that makes me happy, but I don’t know how much of me he can take before enough is enough.